Over the years I have come to accept that my mother is an alcoholic, and she will will probably always be an alcoholic. I have come to accept that she smokes cigarettes that will destroy her lungs and will probably always smoke. I have come to accept that she has dementia which is a disease that affects your mind/memory all because of her drinking over the years. However, that does not mean that it does not hurt so bad to see her taking a drink of alcohol. Or that is doesn't hurt and make me angry every time I call her and she is so drunk that I can't understand a word she is saying. It hurts deep and I usually don't show that side because it is a part of my life that I try to keep hidden. Not because I am ashamed of it which I used to be, but more because it is easier to only show the surface where you know the problem is there but you don't have those hurt feelings. Not today. Today I am coming to you all broken and sad. Some may say, oh, lets not "air the dirty laundry". Well, this is me, my life. A very small portion of my life that I have dealt with my whole life. Today I am sitting in a doctors office with my mother. She is in need of her inhaler refilled again because she is having trouble breathing. On most days I would brush it off and not think too much about it but not today. Today I picked up my drunk mother (I say this literal because I could smell the alcohol all over her when she got in my car) to take her to get medication for a lung problem that is getting worse and worse over the years. Just in this year she has had to use an inhaler more than I have ever seen her use one. I know that through the years she is going to continue to go downhill. I know what all of these things can do to your body, and I continue to see them be proven fact time and time again. Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow I will get up and get myself together, but for today I am sad. I am sad that she can't stop. I am sad that her health is deteriorating over the years. However with all of this heart wrenching tug at your heart stuff I am so thankful. I am thankful that even though her health is deteriorating it is doing so slowly and that most days are still very good days. Today, I find hope in God. I find hope that my God is a God who performs miracles. If those miracles never come to her I know that everything works out to glorify Him. I have seen it time and time again. That alone gives me hope and peace. If you are reading this just lift up a prayer for her addictions, prayer for her health, and most of all a prayer for conviction on her heart. I lay all of this down at the feet of Jesus. This song is perfect for today. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Btfz9qKXUIk I hope it helps you too to find some confort.
I don't write this so that I can put my mother in a bad image and I hope that you don't view her in a bad image. I really do. She is not always drinking to the point where she is slurring her words or can't understand a word you are saying. Today was just a bad day and it got to me because she was also sick. My mother is a wonderful person and you would be lucky to know her and have her in your life. She has a sickness that she can't get away from, but it does not change who she is and always has been. She is a person that would do anything for anyone. She helps me in so many ways and I will forever be grateful. She loves her grandchildren more than anything and would do anything for them. I do mean anything. lol. She really is a wonderful person.
I do write this because just maybe there is someone out there feeling the same way I do. I am a mixture of feeling when it comes to this topic. I am sad some days, angry some days, and scared of the unknown future other days. It is okay to let yourself feel these feelings. To have those days where you just need to feel it. It's part of healing. However, you have to pick yourself up and look around. This is just a part of your life and you have so many other things that you can be thankful for. For me I have God in my life, I have my wonderful husband, kids and a huge family, and I still have my mother in my life. A mother who loves me, but can't help her addiction.
~Enjoy~
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Thursday, May 12, 2016
My boys
Let us talk about my boys today! I love seeing them grow and change. I wanted to share a few things about them that I normally don't get around to sharing.
Lets start with Dexter... The kid is so smart!!! When did he become a little genius. Just talk to him and he will amaze you. The other day he was trying to tell me that he distracted me, but I could not understand what he was saying. He used the word in a sentence to make me understand him. He said, "like when carter is crying when you change his diaper and I have to distract him". It was awesome! I never realized that he could think outside the box to problem solve and get me to realize what he was saying. Tonight we were playing this little kids charades game that we got from the kids meal at Chick Fil A. Well, we played the easy way and talked out our pictures to make the other person guess it. He knew almost everything on his card and could say things to get me to guess what it is. For example, for rainbow he said, "it was something in the sky that was very colorful". I was so impressed with this kid!!! He has learned so much from MMO. I 100% agree with my decision to put him in there. Just for the social skills alone. Since he has started his hitting and throwing has improved so much! I see him out on the playground playing with the other kids and it just melts my heart. Another thing that he does that I just love even though it also makes me a little sad at the same time... I will always say to him... did you know you are my favorite? Then, every single time he will say mommy, you are my favorite just a little bit... dad is my favorite a lot. It is the cutest thing! I love that he loves his daddy so much!!! Also, just here recently I have seen him show empathy! Empathy is not something that happens in very young kids. It usually starts around 4+, so I was really excited to see this in him. It helps when you have a rough kid for them to have a little empathy towards others and that their actions hurt others. What a sweet kid he is too. The other day I wouldn't give his brother a fruit snack because he wouldn't ask me for what he wanted(we're trying to get him to talk more instead of grunt and point). Carter was just crying and crying. Well, I noticed out of the corner of my eye Dexter peeking around the corner holding out his fruit snacks...Carter followed Dexter in the living room and I overheard Dexter say, "I will share with you brother". It melted my heart into a puddle. Just like today we had some friends over to play and the younger brother was upset because his brothers weren't playing with him and I overheard Dexter say come here I will play with you!!! Melt my heart again! Anyways, all of this may seem like bragging and I truly hope you don't see it as that. I just wanted to share with you a few things that I have really seen come out in them recently. Things that I normally don't share because I am so bogged down with raising the hardest child I have ever encountered!! We will get to him soon! All good stuff, all good stuff!
Now, let us talk about my strong willed, feisty, loving child, Carter! This kid is going to be a force when he grows up. I am going to have to do some major parenting as he grows and gets older. I love him so much, but wow! Just wow! He does not give up when he wants something. He will go after it with all that he has. He likes to do things the way that he wants them done. Everything about him is so intense! He came out that way too! When he decided to come out he was coming and the doctor almost didn't make it in time. I was not pushing and I new he was almost there! Anyways, all of this is a good thing! He is going to be my go kid or at least I hope. I am like that and I see a lot of me in his attitude(probably why we clash so much). Just figuring out how to tame and mold it is key! All of this is so good. I am starting to see the bigger picture and I see that it is good! He is also so funny!!!! HIS LAUGH IS THE BEST THING EVER!!! Seriously, get him to laugh for you. It will feel you with such joy!! He laughs with his whole mouth and face! I mean his whole mouth opens so wide and he laughs! It is so cute! I have got to get it on video! He loves to dance! you can turn the music on anywhere and he will break it down for you. Music also calms him. Little tip if you are ever watching him for me and he is uncontrollably crying. He has recently started liking the only show he has ever paid any attention to which is mickey mouse. Everytime it comes on he opens his mouth and lets out a ahhh like he is shocked.!!! It is adorable. He loves to workout with me and imitate my moves! It's hilarious! Either that or he pounds on his daddy while daddy is trying to do mountain climbers. He loves the outdoors. If he can go outside he is happy! The other day he helped me plant my marigold that Dexter brought home from school for me. He loved playing in the potting soil! He's such a little helper. Did I mention that he is a big MOMMAS boy? I had to have one that preferred me over Dustin since Dexter definitely prefers his daddy!
They both feel me with such joy most everyday! I love them more than words could ever describe!
I hope you enjoyed reading a little about how sweet, awesome, kind, playful, smart, kids they are. I don't say it enough! I really don't!! These kids are so goofy and I wish I could just follow them around with the video camera.
Enjoy!
Lets start with Dexter... The kid is so smart!!! When did he become a little genius. Just talk to him and he will amaze you. The other day he was trying to tell me that he distracted me, but I could not understand what he was saying. He used the word in a sentence to make me understand him. He said, "like when carter is crying when you change his diaper and I have to distract him". It was awesome! I never realized that he could think outside the box to problem solve and get me to realize what he was saying. Tonight we were playing this little kids charades game that we got from the kids meal at Chick Fil A. Well, we played the easy way and talked out our pictures to make the other person guess it. He knew almost everything on his card and could say things to get me to guess what it is. For example, for rainbow he said, "it was something in the sky that was very colorful". I was so impressed with this kid!!! He has learned so much from MMO. I 100% agree with my decision to put him in there. Just for the social skills alone. Since he has started his hitting and throwing has improved so much! I see him out on the playground playing with the other kids and it just melts my heart. Another thing that he does that I just love even though it also makes me a little sad at the same time... I will always say to him... did you know you are my favorite? Then, every single time he will say mommy, you are my favorite just a little bit... dad is my favorite a lot. It is the cutest thing! I love that he loves his daddy so much!!! Also, just here recently I have seen him show empathy! Empathy is not something that happens in very young kids. It usually starts around 4+, so I was really excited to see this in him. It helps when you have a rough kid for them to have a little empathy towards others and that their actions hurt others. What a sweet kid he is too. The other day I wouldn't give his brother a fruit snack because he wouldn't ask me for what he wanted(we're trying to get him to talk more instead of grunt and point). Carter was just crying and crying. Well, I noticed out of the corner of my eye Dexter peeking around the corner holding out his fruit snacks...Carter followed Dexter in the living room and I overheard Dexter say, "I will share with you brother". It melted my heart into a puddle. Just like today we had some friends over to play and the younger brother was upset because his brothers weren't playing with him and I overheard Dexter say come here I will play with you!!! Melt my heart again! Anyways, all of this may seem like bragging and I truly hope you don't see it as that. I just wanted to share with you a few things that I have really seen come out in them recently. Things that I normally don't share because I am so bogged down with raising the hardest child I have ever encountered!! We will get to him soon! All good stuff, all good stuff!
Now, let us talk about my strong willed, feisty, loving child, Carter! This kid is going to be a force when he grows up. I am going to have to do some major parenting as he grows and gets older. I love him so much, but wow! Just wow! He does not give up when he wants something. He will go after it with all that he has. He likes to do things the way that he wants them done. Everything about him is so intense! He came out that way too! When he decided to come out he was coming and the doctor almost didn't make it in time. I was not pushing and I new he was almost there! Anyways, all of this is a good thing! He is going to be my go kid or at least I hope. I am like that and I see a lot of me in his attitude(probably why we clash so much). Just figuring out how to tame and mold it is key! All of this is so good. I am starting to see the bigger picture and I see that it is good! He is also so funny!!!! HIS LAUGH IS THE BEST THING EVER!!! Seriously, get him to laugh for you. It will feel you with such joy!! He laughs with his whole mouth and face! I mean his whole mouth opens so wide and he laughs! It is so cute! I have got to get it on video! He loves to dance! you can turn the music on anywhere and he will break it down for you. Music also calms him. Little tip if you are ever watching him for me and he is uncontrollably crying. He has recently started liking the only show he has ever paid any attention to which is mickey mouse. Everytime it comes on he opens his mouth and lets out a ahhh like he is shocked.!!! It is adorable. He loves to workout with me and imitate my moves! It's hilarious! Either that or he pounds on his daddy while daddy is trying to do mountain climbers. He loves the outdoors. If he can go outside he is happy! The other day he helped me plant my marigold that Dexter brought home from school for me. He loved playing in the potting soil! He's such a little helper. Did I mention that he is a big MOMMAS boy? I had to have one that preferred me over Dustin since Dexter definitely prefers his daddy!
They both feel me with such joy most everyday! I love them more than words could ever describe!
I hope you enjoyed reading a little about how sweet, awesome, kind, playful, smart, kids they are. I don't say it enough! I really don't!! These kids are so goofy and I wish I could just follow them around with the video camera.
Enjoy!
Friday, January 8, 2016
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Does anyone else make new years resolutions/goals? Well, I do and I'm not afraid to admit it. I love to make goals and see how much I can accomplish! Most of all I love to draw a line through the ones that I have accomplished and look back on the ones that I can improve on. So, last year I had quite a few new years goals and I am proud to say that I accomplished a good bit of them. I'll share them with you and share with you whether or not I accomplished them or not. Then, I will share this years goals with you.
2015 New years resolutions:
1. Start going to the gym weekly - Since I was breast feeding for 9-10 months of this year this goal went down the drain pretty much. I am not a huge water drinker so every time I would start working out my milk supply would drop and it just got frustrating so I pretty much knew this wasn't going to happen. I at least wanted to put it on the list for good measure. I did manage to get in the gym a good bit, but it definitely wasn't as much as I would have liked.
2. Be positive daily - I am not always wrapped in bubbles and painted with smiles. HA! This is something I have been struggling with every since I had Carter. I have not handled the stress of the extra kid very well. It is something that I continue to work on daily and I am getting better. I just wanted to find something positive to bring to the table everyday. I think I have done it,but it hasn't been in the way I had imagined when I made this goal.
Side note: Have children is hard work. Having children and living 2 hours away from family is even harder. I can't just run my kids to my moms for an hour of cleaning, etc... I'm not complaining, because we all know my plans was to have kids, etc,but I never expected it to be so hard! Just say'n. I love them so much and the good things definitely outweigh the bad, but I want to be real with you all and tell you that it's not easy and I am for the most part everyday a little overwhelmed. I wouldn't change it, but it's just the way it is and I am learning to work with it. They are small and require lots of love and energy so yes, some days I need a little positive things to look at... Ok, I am done rambling about that.
3. Find a church to attend in Madison area - YES WE DID! The way we found this church is something that I could have never orchestrated on my own in a million years and I know without a doubt this is where we are supposed to be at this point in our lives. I love you Candace and I am so thankful you decided to talk to me at the beach!
4. Breastfeed until the summer at least - YES I DID and more! This was a huge accomplishment for me. I was so proud that I made it breastfeeding that long. If I am honest with myself I was completely ready to stop by the end of summer for sure, but Carter was just not having it. It took me forever to get him on a bottle and I think my breaking point was when we went camping and I had to nurse him all night pretty much every night so he wouldn't cry all night long and wake all the other campers up. It was so frustrating and exhausting. Even now I look back and think yes I did that, but if I ever have another child I am going to have a hard time doing it again. Props to you all who have breastfeed multiple babies because breastfeeding the one for that long was exhausting. (of course, if I ever have another child I will for multiple reason, but I may not enjoy it. OR will I? Only time will tell and of course there has to be another child and who knows if that will happen)
5. Work on not being so negative - I think I accomplished this for the most part. I always try to see the good in every situation. I do know that I tend to overreact when something is happening, but I usually will go back and calm myself down and try to see the situation differently.
6. Spend more quality time with family - I think this was about 1/2 and 1/2. I hate to say that because my family is pretty much the most important thing in my life and I should schedule time to spend with them above the rest. I think we did well with spending quality time, etc with out extended family and family outside of our home. We tend to travel to hb quite a bit to see our family. I love doing that because growing up so close to everyone it gets really lonely not being able to see them as much. However, because we do a lot of traveling and because of my school schedule I feel like our little bitty family (d, me and the boys) don't get as much quality time because of the constant going.
7. Become a better sewer(is that even a word) - Fail. I can sew. Don't get me wrong, but I want to be able to read patterns and make little rompers and john johns for carter. I did make my sister 2 car seat covers for the boys and I think they turned out pretty good.
8. Make new friends - YES! Being so far from home and being the extravert that I am I tend to thrive off of friendships. I love chatting and hanging out with my friends! I love everything about it so I am always looking to form new friendships! When Dustin and I first were married and I moved here I was so alone. Yea, I was working and I had my work friends, but I didn't have those close personal friendships that I crave. It has been so nice to meet many mom friends and even friends through church, etc. If only we lived in the same neighborhood. Huntsville is so big! IT takes me 40 min to get to my BFF's house. Not complaining because I'll gladly go anyday. :)
9. learn to let things go - I did about 50/50 on this. This is my big problem area. Maybe I'm not the only one who does it? Surely! Anyways, when I get irritated over something or something happens or whatever it may be. I tend to fume about it for quite a bit. IT doesn't even have to be something that is irritating or frustrating. It can be a simple conversation. I tend to think about it over and over again and analyze it until I have worked myself in a frenzy thinking I said the wrong thing, etc. If you do this, you know what I mean.
10. Pass the math exam to skip the lower math - Well, I didn't take the math exam and I am glad that I didn't. I spoke with an advisor at Athens who informed me they had a math I could take that would count for my finite math course and it only had a prerequisite of 1 college level math course(which I had). So, yay! I was so excited when she told me this, y'all. you have no idea how stressed I have been over this math test! I haven't taken a math course since 2008!
11. Start going on a date night with Dustin once a month - DIDN'T HAPPEN! This is one that I am sad about. I have got to find a babysitter for up here. I did get to sneak in a few dates here and there, but we need a few more for sure.
12. Clean up every night before bed - I started out good on this and then I just failed miserably.
13. Get out of the house more with the boys - YES
14. Spend quality time with each boy - NO and YES - By quality time I really meant to go with just me and one of the boys and do something that they wanted to do. I did this one time with Dex. Since I was breastfeeding I couldn't be gone very long 3-4 hr. tops. and then when I was done breastfeeding it was close to the end of the year and that's when everything speeds up so I failed at this. Sadly. I of course got that quality time with Carter since he was attached to me for almost 10 months.
2016 goals: For this year I wanted to keep it a little more simple. I want to focus on my faith, family, health, home and school. Okay, maybe it's not that simple, but I feel like it is.
1. Grow in my relationship with God.
2. Date night once a month with my husband and boys ( each of them seperately) - this sounds like a lot of date nights, but really for the boys a date night might consist of us going to the park and playing together. Just that quality bonding time is what I am looking for.
3. Quality family time - As much as I love going home I also have got to learn that we need that time also for our little family to grow and flurish at home. So, we will be going home probably a lot, but I also don't want it to interfere with our time up here just being with US. So much of our week is spent with working, taking care of kids, school work that on the weekends I would really like to just be with my family.
4. Become strong with fitness - I am starting a connect group at church. It will be a fitness group, but the theme is MIND BODY AND SOUL. I really hope someone signs up for it and I am really excited to give this a go. Something that I has been stirring inside of me is to 1 become fit and just have more energy overall and 2 to transform my body mentally as well. In this group I hope that we ladies can bond and just get whatever it is out there, share some scripture or anything uplifting and then work out and become strong physically. I could go into depth more about this and my views on it, but for now it's pending and I hope someone signs up so we can go on this adventure together and I can make this vision a reality. I may do a blog post on it later. We will see.
5. Cleaning schedule - I need to get into a routine with this so bad! I'll leave it at that.
6. Make all a's in my classes - This is a personal preference goal. When I make A's I feel like I have done an excellent job and I feel like I am learning something. So far I have been able to make all A's and I hope to continue to do that, but man is it hard finding the time to study with 2 kids! The struggle to spend time with my family vs. study really gets me here lately.
7. Pay off my car and start saving for a new car - My car will be paid off here soon and our plan has always been to just put the money into savings afterwards to save up for if we ever have to buy another car we can pay cash for it. We will see. I do know that my car(which I LOVE) is running out of room to carry all of our stuff in when we go on the various trips throughout the year. This past fall we had to buy a luggage bag for the roof. It worked well, but I have been itching for extra room to carry more people since I do carry mom up to huntsville with me occasionally, etc. We will see. Dustin has informed me that it is not a good idea for us to get a 3rd row right now and I have went and test drove a 3rd row just to inform myself that yea, this isn't happening right now. haha. Dustin just doesn't know that my determination is always strong (or maybe he does and that is why he went with the right wording of he doesn't think it's a good idea instead of just a flat out no.. he appealed to the realistic side of me). If I have to save up to buy one I'm going to do it. Now, by the time I get that saved up I may not need or want a 3rd row or Dustin may want a different vehicle, etc. BUT just know that for right now I want a 3rd row. :/ haha.
8. Make Carter a blanket - I made Dexter a blanket and I want to make Carter one too. I don't even have a theme for his poor little room right now so I haven't decided what fabric I want. I think I found some at JoAnn's a while back that I loved and was the same material as Dexter's. However, that was back in October and I don't know if they would even still have it. I need to go see soon.
9. Learn a new talent - I want to learn something new this year that I can physically do. I got my flute out the other day and played. First time I have played in a few years. It felt amazing. I would love to play again, but I just don't have the time to join the local band group that I played with for a few times before Dex was born. So, if I can learn something that I can do while at home with the kids that would be great.
That is it for now. I will occasionally go over my list and add new things, but these are the ones I have come up with for now. I do want to start adding in Monthly goals for house works, home life, etc... but these are the overall 2016 goals. I am sure this post is very badly grammatically written, but it is 1 a.m and I just don't feel like going back over it for errors. If you see one or think oh, her writing is very flawed, please keep the opinions to yourself. I don't write for you to point out my run on sentences, wrong commas, etc. I write to share what's on my mind and I hope you enjoy. Most of all I hope you too can make some new years resolutions or goals. Even if you don't keep them just make a few and aim to keep them. It's always worth the shot. Who knows you may even surprise yourself and keep them all.
Enjoy!
2015 New years resolutions:
1. Start going to the gym weekly - Since I was breast feeding for 9-10 months of this year this goal went down the drain pretty much. I am not a huge water drinker so every time I would start working out my milk supply would drop and it just got frustrating so I pretty much knew this wasn't going to happen. I at least wanted to put it on the list for good measure. I did manage to get in the gym a good bit, but it definitely wasn't as much as I would have liked.
2. Be positive daily - I am not always wrapped in bubbles and painted with smiles. HA! This is something I have been struggling with every since I had Carter. I have not handled the stress of the extra kid very well. It is something that I continue to work on daily and I am getting better. I just wanted to find something positive to bring to the table everyday. I think I have done it,but it hasn't been in the way I had imagined when I made this goal.
Side note: Have children is hard work. Having children and living 2 hours away from family is even harder. I can't just run my kids to my moms for an hour of cleaning, etc... I'm not complaining, because we all know my plans was to have kids, etc,but I never expected it to be so hard! Just say'n. I love them so much and the good things definitely outweigh the bad, but I want to be real with you all and tell you that it's not easy and I am for the most part everyday a little overwhelmed. I wouldn't change it, but it's just the way it is and I am learning to work with it. They are small and require lots of love and energy so yes, some days I need a little positive things to look at... Ok, I am done rambling about that.
3. Find a church to attend in Madison area - YES WE DID! The way we found this church is something that I could have never orchestrated on my own in a million years and I know without a doubt this is where we are supposed to be at this point in our lives. I love you Candace and I am so thankful you decided to talk to me at the beach!
4. Breastfeed until the summer at least - YES I DID and more! This was a huge accomplishment for me. I was so proud that I made it breastfeeding that long. If I am honest with myself I was completely ready to stop by the end of summer for sure, but Carter was just not having it. It took me forever to get him on a bottle and I think my breaking point was when we went camping and I had to nurse him all night pretty much every night so he wouldn't cry all night long and wake all the other campers up. It was so frustrating and exhausting. Even now I look back and think yes I did that, but if I ever have another child I am going to have a hard time doing it again. Props to you all who have breastfeed multiple babies because breastfeeding the one for that long was exhausting. (of course, if I ever have another child I will for multiple reason, but I may not enjoy it. OR will I? Only time will tell and of course there has to be another child and who knows if that will happen)
5. Work on not being so negative - I think I accomplished this for the most part. I always try to see the good in every situation. I do know that I tend to overreact when something is happening, but I usually will go back and calm myself down and try to see the situation differently.
6. Spend more quality time with family - I think this was about 1/2 and 1/2. I hate to say that because my family is pretty much the most important thing in my life and I should schedule time to spend with them above the rest. I think we did well with spending quality time, etc with out extended family and family outside of our home. We tend to travel to hb quite a bit to see our family. I love doing that because growing up so close to everyone it gets really lonely not being able to see them as much. However, because we do a lot of traveling and because of my school schedule I feel like our little bitty family (d, me and the boys) don't get as much quality time because of the constant going.
7. Become a better sewer(is that even a word) - Fail. I can sew. Don't get me wrong, but I want to be able to read patterns and make little rompers and john johns for carter. I did make my sister 2 car seat covers for the boys and I think they turned out pretty good.
8. Make new friends - YES! Being so far from home and being the extravert that I am I tend to thrive off of friendships. I love chatting and hanging out with my friends! I love everything about it so I am always looking to form new friendships! When Dustin and I first were married and I moved here I was so alone. Yea, I was working and I had my work friends, but I didn't have those close personal friendships that I crave. It has been so nice to meet many mom friends and even friends through church, etc. If only we lived in the same neighborhood. Huntsville is so big! IT takes me 40 min to get to my BFF's house. Not complaining because I'll gladly go anyday. :)
9. learn to let things go - I did about 50/50 on this. This is my big problem area. Maybe I'm not the only one who does it? Surely! Anyways, when I get irritated over something or something happens or whatever it may be. I tend to fume about it for quite a bit. IT doesn't even have to be something that is irritating or frustrating. It can be a simple conversation. I tend to think about it over and over again and analyze it until I have worked myself in a frenzy thinking I said the wrong thing, etc. If you do this, you know what I mean.
10. Pass the math exam to skip the lower math - Well, I didn't take the math exam and I am glad that I didn't. I spoke with an advisor at Athens who informed me they had a math I could take that would count for my finite math course and it only had a prerequisite of 1 college level math course(which I had). So, yay! I was so excited when she told me this, y'all. you have no idea how stressed I have been over this math test! I haven't taken a math course since 2008!
11. Start going on a date night with Dustin once a month - DIDN'T HAPPEN! This is one that I am sad about. I have got to find a babysitter for up here. I did get to sneak in a few dates here and there, but we need a few more for sure.
12. Clean up every night before bed - I started out good on this and then I just failed miserably.
13. Get out of the house more with the boys - YES
14. Spend quality time with each boy - NO and YES - By quality time I really meant to go with just me and one of the boys and do something that they wanted to do. I did this one time with Dex. Since I was breastfeeding I couldn't be gone very long 3-4 hr. tops. and then when I was done breastfeeding it was close to the end of the year and that's when everything speeds up so I failed at this. Sadly. I of course got that quality time with Carter since he was attached to me for almost 10 months.
2016 goals: For this year I wanted to keep it a little more simple. I want to focus on my faith, family, health, home and school. Okay, maybe it's not that simple, but I feel like it is.
1. Grow in my relationship with God.
2. Date night once a month with my husband and boys ( each of them seperately) - this sounds like a lot of date nights, but really for the boys a date night might consist of us going to the park and playing together. Just that quality bonding time is what I am looking for.
3. Quality family time - As much as I love going home I also have got to learn that we need that time also for our little family to grow and flurish at home. So, we will be going home probably a lot, but I also don't want it to interfere with our time up here just being with US. So much of our week is spent with working, taking care of kids, school work that on the weekends I would really like to just be with my family.
4. Become strong with fitness - I am starting a connect group at church. It will be a fitness group, but the theme is MIND BODY AND SOUL. I really hope someone signs up for it and I am really excited to give this a go. Something that I has been stirring inside of me is to 1 become fit and just have more energy overall and 2 to transform my body mentally as well. In this group I hope that we ladies can bond and just get whatever it is out there, share some scripture or anything uplifting and then work out and become strong physically. I could go into depth more about this and my views on it, but for now it's pending and I hope someone signs up so we can go on this adventure together and I can make this vision a reality. I may do a blog post on it later. We will see.
5. Cleaning schedule - I need to get into a routine with this so bad! I'll leave it at that.
6. Make all a's in my classes - This is a personal preference goal. When I make A's I feel like I have done an excellent job and I feel like I am learning something. So far I have been able to make all A's and I hope to continue to do that, but man is it hard finding the time to study with 2 kids! The struggle to spend time with my family vs. study really gets me here lately.
7. Pay off my car and start saving for a new car - My car will be paid off here soon and our plan has always been to just put the money into savings afterwards to save up for if we ever have to buy another car we can pay cash for it. We will see. I do know that my car(which I LOVE) is running out of room to carry all of our stuff in when we go on the various trips throughout the year. This past fall we had to buy a luggage bag for the roof. It worked well, but I have been itching for extra room to carry more people since I do carry mom up to huntsville with me occasionally, etc. We will see. Dustin has informed me that it is not a good idea for us to get a 3rd row right now and I have went and test drove a 3rd row just to inform myself that yea, this isn't happening right now. haha. Dustin just doesn't know that my determination is always strong (or maybe he does and that is why he went with the right wording of he doesn't think it's a good idea instead of just a flat out no.. he appealed to the realistic side of me). If I have to save up to buy one I'm going to do it. Now, by the time I get that saved up I may not need or want a 3rd row or Dustin may want a different vehicle, etc. BUT just know that for right now I want a 3rd row. :/ haha.
8. Make Carter a blanket - I made Dexter a blanket and I want to make Carter one too. I don't even have a theme for his poor little room right now so I haven't decided what fabric I want. I think I found some at JoAnn's a while back that I loved and was the same material as Dexter's. However, that was back in October and I don't know if they would even still have it. I need to go see soon.
9. Learn a new talent - I want to learn something new this year that I can physically do. I got my flute out the other day and played. First time I have played in a few years. It felt amazing. I would love to play again, but I just don't have the time to join the local band group that I played with for a few times before Dex was born. So, if I can learn something that I can do while at home with the kids that would be great.
That is it for now. I will occasionally go over my list and add new things, but these are the ones I have come up with for now. I do want to start adding in Monthly goals for house works, home life, etc... but these are the overall 2016 goals. I am sure this post is very badly grammatically written, but it is 1 a.m and I just don't feel like going back over it for errors. If you see one or think oh, her writing is very flawed, please keep the opinions to yourself. I don't write for you to point out my run on sentences, wrong commas, etc. I write to share what's on my mind and I hope you enjoy. Most of all I hope you too can make some new years resolutions or goals. Even if you don't keep them just make a few and aim to keep them. It's always worth the shot. Who knows you may even surprise yourself and keep them all.
Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Surrender
Are y'all ready... this is going to be long long long! :)
Dustin and I had the pleasure of going to a Mercy Me concert downtown at the Vaun Braun Center. It was my first official concert that I had ever been to so I was pretty excited. It was definitely worth the wait! I love Mercy Me! I love just about every one of their songs and I can see myself relating to a lot of them. I wanted to share some thoughts with you that came to me while we were at the concert and it was sort of laid on my heart to share with others as well.
The show opened up with Tim Timmons and he was great as well. During his performance he shared with us a story from back when he was seeing his doctor. From what I could tell this was a cancer doctor? (if I'm wrong in this please correct me)(I'm assuming he was diagnosed with some sort of cancer) anyways, the first thing that was so touching is that he said he shouldn't be on this stage today it is only by God that he was on that stage! What a testimony in itself!! To see him standing up there after hearing about how he should be dead, but he lives everyday because God allows him to! So amazing!! So, back to my point... He was talking with his doctor and he was I guess asking her how she goes about telling people they are going to die and how they handle it. (I should have recorded this so I would have all the right words he actually said, because for some reason that sounds a little strange) So, during this conversation the doctor says that she sees a lot of people praying and praying and praying, but she doesn't see a lot of people surrendering! BOOM! She said it right there! Something that I myself have had a struggle with even on the little things! I see a lot of people praying and praying(I myself too sometimes) for God to do this or God please do that, but have you ever stopped to say let your will be done? Have you ever surrendered yourself to him even though you "think" that isn't what is supposed to happen? This personally hit home for me because here recently it was made clear to me what I am supposed to do with my professional life. I went back to school and I searched and searched and searched for something that I could do. I even spent many many nights and days praying that God would show me what I was supposed to do in my work career. I knew that I had a drive in me, but I couldn't pin point what it was for. so I just prayed. I picked a career goal, but deep down felt that it wasn't right. I just kept praying and sort of being impatient. Then, when the days kept going by, I finally just surrendered. I said, God, I know you have a plan for me and I know that you placed this drive in me for a reason so I am going to wait. You will show me when it is time. Then, boom, I had carter had some post partum stuff to work through and started seeing a counselor and all of a sudden it was clear. That is what I have been wanting to do for all my life. I want to help people! I want to hear their struggles and be a lending ear for them to talk to and get all of those anxieties and worries or fear or whatever it might be out. I have been good at that my whole life!! This is what I am called to do! This is why God has made me how I am today. This is why I am already good at these things and it is because this is my path. I know that we are all called to help those in need, but it was finally revealed to me that this is what I am supposed to do and I have been blown away by the clearness of it all after I finally surrendered to him and stopped trying to do it on my own, on my terms, and time. I am not saying that if you just surrender to him that everything is going to work out just fine and dandy for you, because we all know that sometimes the story doesn't end how we thought it would, but we have to remember that even when we go through our toughest trials and tribulations that it is not for us. It is for his glory and his will not ours. Who knows, I may get into this career path and my world may turn completely around. I don't know, but I do know that I hope that I can always know that whatever I am going through or whatever is happening that sometimes I need to stop praying, please god do this for me, but rather pray please god let your will be done!
Ok, now to the main show... MERCY ME!!!! They were so so so so good! I want to see them again! Like right now! You hear that, Mercy Me? You need to come back to Huntsville, AL right now and do another show just for me. :) Psh, who am I kidding, they don't read my little bitty blog! And, if you are, thank you for sharing your testimony about your childhood with your father! I am so glad that he turned his life around, but boy, you really made this woman cry and hurt for you even when I do not know you. I feel like we are forever connected with that testimony. I know I'll never forget it! Ok, enough of the sappy sappy! Let us get real again. Have you ever heard the song by them The Hurt and the Healer? IT's amazing! Go listen to it right now! Better yet, see it sung in concert. Anyways, this song has always been a favorite of mine even played on the radio for many reasons. However, when I heard it in person I was flooded with so much emotion. Have you ever hurt so much that you felt like a part of you has died. Everyday for a long time I felt like that after Marie died(some people just don't understand and that's okay because you won't unless it has happened to you and I am so glad that you haven't had to endure something like that! Be so very thankful. OR, be thankful that you have handled it better if you have). It has taken a long time for me to share my feelings on the subject because it just hurt to much to even think about. Have you ever hurt so bad that the thought of it just made your body hurt and cry out in a way that you can't describe? Yea, that has been what it has been like for a while and no one knew. So, when they would ask why I was so uptight or why I was having a bad day even when the things going bad weren't that bad. It was because underneath was a hurt that no human could fix. BUT, I've been praying and asking for healing in his terms and slowly but surely I feel it easing up. I've already shared with you that I can think about her now without crying like a big baby or even talk about her. She will forever be gone and a part of me will forever be gone too with her, but I am ALIVE, even though a part of me has died. I'm not sure if these words are even supposed to be meant like this, but for me that is what I take from them. IT's the point where the hurt and the Healer collide! I love this song and I can sing it today with such thankfulness that I do have a healer that I can run into and he can heal my heart from this and bring joy to a place that I have kept hidden for so long. I want you to be able to see the words and listen to it as well so I'll post both. I hope this song brings a bit of happiness to your life like it has mine. I smile from within every time I hear it because I am ALIVE! =D (not every word of this is wrapped in a bubble painted in felicia, but I do relate to a lot of it)
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from being explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide
[x2:]
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqBMNSuDf7g
Ok, enough of this sappyness! Is that even a word? Dustin, the boys, and I had a great Thanksgiving with all of our families! I am so glad that we got to see everyone! We and our friends had a Friendsgiving this year(they have done it before, but this was the first year that we were able to attend) and I cooked my first Thanksgiving turkey! It was delicious or at least I thought it was. I still have left over Turkey!! We went home the day before Thanksgiving and was able to relax a bit. Thanksgiving day we went up to Dustin's moms side of the family for a get together at a local church. I got to meet a lot of people I had not ever met before so that was really nice and the food was delicious as always! We left there and went over Aunt Charlotte's house and got to see everyone! I always love going to Aunt Charlotte's for get togethers. Then, we went to Aunt Cheryl's house to hang out with them and to visit with Scottie, Taqwa, and her brother(I can never remember his name! I feel so bad for this too because I should know it by now. I talk to him and enjoy our conversations, but I can't ever remember his name and feel bad for asking for it again. Does anyone else do this?)before they left back to Dallas(we all know how much I love these people!!!). And the soup was amazing! Then on Friday, mom watched the boys while Dustin and I got some Christmas shopping done and afterwards we ate Thanksgiving dinner at her house. So, it was a fun filled weekend. I am really looking forward to Christmas! Dexter is really getting into it. Anyways, what are your holiday plans? Anything good?
~Enjoy!
Dustin and I had the pleasure of going to a Mercy Me concert downtown at the Vaun Braun Center. It was my first official concert that I had ever been to so I was pretty excited. It was definitely worth the wait! I love Mercy Me! I love just about every one of their songs and I can see myself relating to a lot of them. I wanted to share some thoughts with you that came to me while we were at the concert and it was sort of laid on my heart to share with others as well.
The show opened up with Tim Timmons and he was great as well. During his performance he shared with us a story from back when he was seeing his doctor. From what I could tell this was a cancer doctor? (if I'm wrong in this please correct me)(I'm assuming he was diagnosed with some sort of cancer) anyways, the first thing that was so touching is that he said he shouldn't be on this stage today it is only by God that he was on that stage! What a testimony in itself!! To see him standing up there after hearing about how he should be dead, but he lives everyday because God allows him to! So amazing!! So, back to my point... He was talking with his doctor and he was I guess asking her how she goes about telling people they are going to die and how they handle it. (I should have recorded this so I would have all the right words he actually said, because for some reason that sounds a little strange) So, during this conversation the doctor says that she sees a lot of people praying and praying and praying, but she doesn't see a lot of people surrendering! BOOM! She said it right there! Something that I myself have had a struggle with even on the little things! I see a lot of people praying and praying(I myself too sometimes) for God to do this or God please do that, but have you ever stopped to say let your will be done? Have you ever surrendered yourself to him even though you "think" that isn't what is supposed to happen? This personally hit home for me because here recently it was made clear to me what I am supposed to do with my professional life. I went back to school and I searched and searched and searched for something that I could do. I even spent many many nights and days praying that God would show me what I was supposed to do in my work career. I knew that I had a drive in me, but I couldn't pin point what it was for. so I just prayed. I picked a career goal, but deep down felt that it wasn't right. I just kept praying and sort of being impatient. Then, when the days kept going by, I finally just surrendered. I said, God, I know you have a plan for me and I know that you placed this drive in me for a reason so I am going to wait. You will show me when it is time. Then, boom, I had carter had some post partum stuff to work through and started seeing a counselor and all of a sudden it was clear. That is what I have been wanting to do for all my life. I want to help people! I want to hear their struggles and be a lending ear for them to talk to and get all of those anxieties and worries or fear or whatever it might be out. I have been good at that my whole life!! This is what I am called to do! This is why God has made me how I am today. This is why I am already good at these things and it is because this is my path. I know that we are all called to help those in need, but it was finally revealed to me that this is what I am supposed to do and I have been blown away by the clearness of it all after I finally surrendered to him and stopped trying to do it on my own, on my terms, and time. I am not saying that if you just surrender to him that everything is going to work out just fine and dandy for you, because we all know that sometimes the story doesn't end how we thought it would, but we have to remember that even when we go through our toughest trials and tribulations that it is not for us. It is for his glory and his will not ours. Who knows, I may get into this career path and my world may turn completely around. I don't know, but I do know that I hope that I can always know that whatever I am going through or whatever is happening that sometimes I need to stop praying, please god do this for me, but rather pray please god let your will be done!
Ok, now to the main show... MERCY ME!!!! They were so so so so good! I want to see them again! Like right now! You hear that, Mercy Me? You need to come back to Huntsville, AL right now and do another show just for me. :) Psh, who am I kidding, they don't read my little bitty blog! And, if you are, thank you for sharing your testimony about your childhood with your father! I am so glad that he turned his life around, but boy, you really made this woman cry and hurt for you even when I do not know you. I feel like we are forever connected with that testimony. I know I'll never forget it! Ok, enough of the sappy sappy! Let us get real again. Have you ever heard the song by them The Hurt and the Healer? IT's amazing! Go listen to it right now! Better yet, see it sung in concert. Anyways, this song has always been a favorite of mine even played on the radio for many reasons. However, when I heard it in person I was flooded with so much emotion. Have you ever hurt so much that you felt like a part of you has died. Everyday for a long time I felt like that after Marie died(some people just don't understand and that's okay because you won't unless it has happened to you and I am so glad that you haven't had to endure something like that! Be so very thankful. OR, be thankful that you have handled it better if you have). It has taken a long time for me to share my feelings on the subject because it just hurt to much to even think about. Have you ever hurt so bad that the thought of it just made your body hurt and cry out in a way that you can't describe? Yea, that has been what it has been like for a while and no one knew. So, when they would ask why I was so uptight or why I was having a bad day even when the things going bad weren't that bad. It was because underneath was a hurt that no human could fix. BUT, I've been praying and asking for healing in his terms and slowly but surely I feel it easing up. I've already shared with you that I can think about her now without crying like a big baby or even talk about her. She will forever be gone and a part of me will forever be gone too with her, but I am ALIVE, even though a part of me has died. I'm not sure if these words are even supposed to be meant like this, but for me that is what I take from them. IT's the point where the hurt and the Healer collide! I love this song and I can sing it today with such thankfulness that I do have a healer that I can run into and he can heal my heart from this and bring joy to a place that I have kept hidden for so long. I want you to be able to see the words and listen to it as well so I'll post both. I hope this song brings a bit of happiness to your life like it has mine. I smile from within every time I hear it because I am ALIVE! =D (not every word of this is wrapped in a bubble painted in felicia, but I do relate to a lot of it)
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from being explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"
I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide
[x2:]
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqBMNSuDf7g
Ok, enough of this sappyness! Is that even a word? Dustin, the boys, and I had a great Thanksgiving with all of our families! I am so glad that we got to see everyone! We and our friends had a Friendsgiving this year(they have done it before, but this was the first year that we were able to attend) and I cooked my first Thanksgiving turkey! It was delicious or at least I thought it was. I still have left over Turkey!! We went home the day before Thanksgiving and was able to relax a bit. Thanksgiving day we went up to Dustin's moms side of the family for a get together at a local church. I got to meet a lot of people I had not ever met before so that was really nice and the food was delicious as always! We left there and went over Aunt Charlotte's house and got to see everyone! I always love going to Aunt Charlotte's for get togethers. Then, we went to Aunt Cheryl's house to hang out with them and to visit with Scottie, Taqwa, and her brother(I can never remember his name! I feel so bad for this too because I should know it by now. I talk to him and enjoy our conversations, but I can't ever remember his name and feel bad for asking for it again. Does anyone else do this?)before they left back to Dallas(we all know how much I love these people!!!). And the soup was amazing! Then on Friday, mom watched the boys while Dustin and I got some Christmas shopping done and afterwards we ate Thanksgiving dinner at her house. So, it was a fun filled weekend. I am really looking forward to Christmas! Dexter is really getting into it. Anyways, what are your holiday plans? Anything good?
~Enjoy!
Monday, November 9, 2015
Sweet memories
Tonight I am taking a trip down memory lane. It started out with me looking for a photo that my aunt, Diana, had posted of her husband trimming some hedges country style. Then, I started looking through some of my own old photos so I thought I would share some photos and the meaning or stories behind some of them. This might become a regular post whenever I get time.
I love looking back on our lives and seeing where we come from. It has taken me a long time to remember to smile back to the past because my younger past was full of heartache. When you loose 2 members of your family within 4 years of each other it can make looking back pretty sad sometimes. At one time some of these photos just made me sad, but now I can look at them and remember their story! These memories are so precious and I hope that we can all remember to look back at our past and find the happy moments and laugh instead of look at them with sadness. So lets begin.
This first photo is of my sister, Marie. She did a huge part in raising me and meant more to me than most anything in this world. I never really knew just how much she was a part of me until she passed away suddenly. I miss her everyday and it is taking a lot of work through to remember the good things and all the great memories we had. And, most of all to look back at pictures like this and giggle just a little. This was her Felicia if you don't leave me alone look I am going to smack you.... Oh, how I miss her giving me this look. I can't tell you how many times she must have given me this look.
This is a better picture of her. This is my family minus my dad. He passed away a little over 2 years before this picture was taken. It is one of the last pictures I have of all my family. This was my high school graduation. I laugh when I see these pictures, because I don't think I got a one where we were all just smiling. Someone was always making a funny face or laughing.
And, then you have just the sisters. I love them more than anything. Since Marie passed away I feel like I became much more close with my little sister, Denise. She is such a strong person. Have you ever seen this woman dig up a water pipe in the front yard and replace it by herself? I have. In fact, I'm trying to talk her into coming up and "helping" me fix our broken water pipe. I love her more than life and no one could ever replace her. Just in the last few months I have been noticing more and more that Denise is a lot like Marie in regards to the way that she does things. She is so patient with the kids, understanding, and most of all has such a strong soul.
Lets not forget I have a brother. His name is Wayne, He may not be around a lot because of his job, but I know that if either of us were hurt or really needed him to come he would. He is so TALL!! When I am looking at these pictures I just can't help but think.. is Dexter going to be this tall. I secretly hope that he is!
This picture was taken at Gadsden Regional. Mother was in the ICU there and had to have a triple bypass done. Denise had graduated while she was in the hospital so she came up there with her cap and gown to show momma.
I stumbled upon this gem while going through some old photos. This was the day that Mary Jack, Lynn, me, denise and (I think)john matt were leaving to go to Arizona! As you can see I was still not a morning person back then. Jonathan stayed behind to tend to the house(I think). Honestly, I don't really remember why Jonathan wasn't going(maybe work?) I love that I was able to experience this trip as a kid. What wonderful memories I have traveling with MJ & Lynn. I am sure that back then I didn't appreciate it as much as I REALLY DO today. I look back at these memories and pictures like this and I am so thankful. Thankful to God that these people were placed in my life. That I have such wonderful family all around.
Let us talk about this picture. Imagine it... Momma or someone went fishing. They bring the fish home and take them on the back porch to clean them. Out walks Felicia to see momma STABBING her fish to death!!! It was one of the funniest ways I have ever seen anyone try to kill a fish! I am sure it was already dead by that point, but I asked her why she was stabbing it and she said because her knife wasn't big enough to chop the head off! WHAT! Anyways, here is a picture from that day of momma and denise with their fish. you can even see the small little knife on the porch that momma was using to "clean" her fish. Is she trying to get that fish to talk to me? After she stabbed it?
AND best of all.... you guys see this look? do you see it in his eyes? This is why I married this man! (ok, ok, there were plenty other reasons) Even to this day when I see this look of such happiness it makes me weak at my knees! This is by far one of my favorite pictures of Dustin. What a wonderful man I have and I hope and pray that for many many many infinity years that I can still get this look out of him. If this face can't make you smile I don't know what will.
~I have found the one my soul loves~
What are some memories that you have?
Enjoy!
Thursday, October 1, 2015
It's real, y'all
UPDATE: I am back to my normal self and I no longer have these fears to such an extreme. I have learned how to deal with the things that I can't control. In my times of weakness I just have to lean upon God to help me through it. I wrote this not too long after Carter's birth and never published it because I felt ashamed of my feelings, but I am going to publish it now in hopes that one can read this and know that they are not alone if they are going through anything like it. Im sorry that my blog has become more of an out pour of feelings and really deep content, but everything that is laid on my heart to write about is just that deep and real. I really hope that I can help people to know that they are not alone! And, if you do have sad feelings don't be afraid to get help. You don't have to take a pill to feel better(I know because not once was I on any kind of medication for my sadness. Not putting down those that need to be on it though. Every situation is different). I guess what I am saying is don't stop yourself from getting help because you think all they will do it put you on medication Sometimes it just takes someone listening and helping you through it. Just take your life back. :)
Post-partum depression/anxiety is a real thing. I have been feeling ashamed of myself for quite some time now. I have felt embarrassed to even share my deepest most inner thoughts with my husband. To let him know that I thought I was having some depression symptoms was something that was unbearable to me and it took great strength for me to even bring it up. I have been struggling with post-partum anxiety since I gave birth to my son, Carter. At first I thought it was just the hormones, but then after 10-12 weeks of anxiety that caused me to lose sleep at night I decided to go see my doctor. My anxiety and depression doesn’t come in the form of harming myself or others. My anxiety comes from the unknown and uncontrollable happening (mostly just fearful of my kids or husband getting sick and something bad happening to them).
Post-partum depression/anxiety is a real thing. I have been feeling ashamed of myself for quite some time now. I have felt embarrassed to even share my deepest most inner thoughts with my husband. To let him know that I thought I was having some depression symptoms was something that was unbearable to me and it took great strength for me to even bring it up. I have been struggling with post-partum anxiety since I gave birth to my son, Carter. At first I thought it was just the hormones, but then after 10-12 weeks of anxiety that caused me to lose sleep at night I decided to go see my doctor. My anxiety and depression doesn’t come in the form of harming myself or others. My anxiety comes from the unknown and uncontrollable happening (mostly just fearful of my kids or husband getting sick and something bad happening to them).
When Carter was born he would have these little
spells where he would stop breathing for a few seconds and the doctors or
nurses would have to stem him(basically tickle his feet or pat him on the back,
etc.) to get him to start breathing again. I actually witnessed one of
these breathing episodes while he was lying in his little bed in my hospital
room the night I had him. His little lips turned blue looking. When
they took him to the nursery that night they woke me up for a feeding, but told
me I had to come to the nursery to feed him because he had to be monitored at
all times. So basically I had to nurse him behind a curtain while he was
hooked up to a monitor and when I was done I had to go back to my room. The
next morning the doctor sent him to the NICU. I knew why he was going and
I knew that was the best thing for him, but it still broke my heart
anyways. I was scared and I had no clue what was going on. I wasn’t
allowed to go see him or nurse him until that afternoon. My first time
seeing Carter he was laying in his little bed under the heat and he had an IV in
his forehead and monitors all over his little body and one on his foot.
It’s a sight that I will never get out of my head, one that haunts me to this
day. I know in my head why the monitors were there and I know why they
put the IV in his head, but my heart aches because of it. I believe it
was the next day the IV in his forehead came out and they were able to put it
in his hand. Thankfully, he only had one more breathing episode the first
night he was in there. If they have an episode like that it is an
automatic 5 days before you can be discharged from there. They do tell
you that there is the 5 days, but the whole time I was there all I kept hearing
from the nurses was "if he continues to do good he can come home."
Those were the worst words I have ever heard. EVERY SINGLE DAY, I
worried and had bad anxiety constantly about him having another episode,
because I knew he would have to be in there longer. Every time his monitor
would start beeping that loud fast beeping sound my heart would stop. I
didn’t know what all the numbers meant so it scared me so bad each time. If I
was in there I would even start rubbing on him to make him wake up a little so
the monitor would stop beeping like that (ssshhh… don’t tell anyone). I
was so scared the entire time he was in there. A scared that I can’t
explain in words. A scared that makes you sick to your stomach, but you
can’t throw up. While in there I felt like I couldn’t hold or take care
or my child. There was always a nurse standing over them telling you what
you can and cannot do with your own baby. I will never forget that
feeling, but I hope that it becomes less painful. One thing I will always
remember is my nursing sessions with him once I was allowed to take him in the
little side room to nurse him. I felt at peace in there. I felt
like everything was alright in the world. My anxiety levels dropped and I
was able to hold and care for my child the way I had wanted to from the beginning.
It was the best feeling. The one and only thing I looked forward to up
there besides seeing him of course. I would count down the hours until it
was his next feeding. When the time came for me to be discharged it was
the hardest thing. When I left the hospital I felt so blank. I was
so hurt that I couldn’t take him with me. In my head I kept telling
myself this is better for him, but in my heart all I could feel was that it was
not right that I couldn’t take my now well baby home with me. Thankfully,
Carter continued to do well and we were discharged 5 days exactly after his
last spell. Now, don’t get me wrong, people, I know that Carter was technically
considered a well-baby in the NICU and there were and are babies in there that
are fighting with everything that they have every single day to live. I
saw them and their tiny bodies the 6 days we were in there. I also know that
not every baby that is in there makes it out to come home with their mother and
father. I pray for them and pray for their parents and families to this
day. I am in no way trying to be unsensesitive to those that have lost
babies whether it be in the hospital or anywhere else. I am so sorry for
your loss. I do not know that kind of loss and I pray with everything in
me that I never have to experience anything like it. When we finally left
the hospital I had expected to feel some sort of miracle wave washing over me
letting me know that everything was okay. I expected the anxiety to be
over and a lot of it was, but not all of it. I still kept telling myself
in the back of my head if he gets sick we’ll have to go right back to the NICU.
This was October and I knew we were heading into cold/flu season. I also
knew that his bilirubin count was high so there was a chance that he would have
to be put under the lights if it didn’t come down. I had anxiety about
that. I was a nervous wreck to put it lightly. I was constantly and
I still am on edge.
A few weeks after being discharged from the
hospital my other son, Dexter, came down with what seemed to be just a
virus. He kept talking about his stomach hurting in his right lower
belly, but I didn’t think anything of it until that night when he woke up
crying out in pain saying his belly hurt in the same area he was complaining
about that day. I called the doctor and she sent us to the ER just to
make sure it wasn’t appendicitis. We were there all night and had to have
several tests done, but thankfully everything turned out fine. We were to
follow up with his pediatrician the next day. We get to the doctor’s
office and she ran a few blood tests and his red blood cell count was way
off. So, she said that she was going to rush his blood work to Huntsville
hospital to have the hematologist and the pathologist look at it. I don’t
know if it was the look on my face or if it could have actually been something
bad, but all she kept saying over and over again was she would rush it to HH
and that it didn’t have to be anything bad. Of course, with what I just
went through with Carter all I could think about was all the bad things it
could be. So, I was a nervous wreck until she called me to tell me that
his cells looked normal under the microscope and that she, the hematologist,
and the pathologist all was in favor of if being related to this virus that he
had, but she wanted to check his blood a few more times to make sure that his
red blood cell count was coming back up. Each time we had to have blood
work done I was a nervous wreck and praying that they would come back up
because if they didn’t we would need more testing. THEY DID. Whoop
whoop. So, all of that for a virus!!!!!
Then, shortly after all this, Carter had a well
visit at the doctor’s office and we were scheduled an upper GI study to make
sure he didn’t have any blockages because he would projectile spit up after
every feeding. Even though the doc just thought it was reflux she still
wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything else going on. It was just acid
reflux. We were able to see him reflux during the procedure. Now we
are on the right medication for it and it has really helped..
I am explaining all of this so maybe you can get
a little bit of a background study on why I am so anxious and nervous for the
most part of the week. That wasn’t everything we had to have done.
I have had to go back to that hospital for 2 more separate occasions with
Carter. Nothing serious, but each time I am there it’s like I can’t think
straight and I am “holding my breath” until we are out of the building.
This might sound a little extreme considering my children are perfectly
healthy, but this is how I feel and this is why I knew I had a problem. I
am in a constant battle with my mind with me telling myself that everything is
ok and that they are healthy and Dustin is healthy and I am healthy, but in the
back of my mind I feel uneasy thinking something is wrong. Something is
off. When I hear one of them cough in the middle of the night I freeze
and pray that they aren’t coming down with something. I lie awake at
night and pray and thank god for my healthy kids & husband, because I am so
fearful of anything ever happening to them. I am ashamed because I know I
need to be thanking him in a happy kind of a way, but I am so thankful because
I am in such fear for their lives. I know that he who gives can also take
away. I will never be ungrateful for the life I have been given or for my
2 very beautiful and healthy children. When I look at them I see how
lucky I am to even be able to call them my own when so many women out there are
unable to have that. I will never take them for granted.
I know that this is not normal and it is driving
me a little crazy. I don’t know how to stop it, but I am a work in
progress. I have realized that I couldn’t do it all on my own and I
finally broke down and told Dustin how I really felt. How when he would
sleep at night I would lie there awake in fear. I was afraid of the
things that I could not control like sickness. Like I said though, I am a
work in progress and I have started taking steps to get that sickness out of my
head and out of my life. I am trying to get out more and enjoy this
beautiful life. I am chasing my bad thoughts away at night with good
thoughts and trying to not let it overwhelm me. I started back at the gym
and it really helped to get all that anxiety off of me, but my milk supply
decreased drastically so I had to stop(I am pretty sure it was because I wasn’t
taking in enough water and food to account for the calorie loss). I am taking
my life and I want to experience it to the fullest with the ones that I love
and love me in return. And, a shout out to my friend, Chrissy, who has
had to endure hours of me rambling on about all of this and everything else
that has happening to me in the last few months. It hasn’t been easy, but with
the help of the ones I am closest to and those who lift me up in goodness it is
better! Love y’all.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Memories
There is something about becoming a first time parent that is just magical in every way. It has been 3 1/2 years or so since Dexter was born, but there are things that bring back memories of how I felt when he was a newborn. We have a dimmer light in our bedroom and last night I lowered the lights so that maybe it wouldn't shine into dexter's room and he wouldn't know I was awake. When I did this though it brought back a flood of feelings and memories to when he was a baby. I remembered all of the midnight feedings and late diaper changes. I remember feeling like I knew exactly what I was doing, but I was also scared and happy. Everything was new. Talking about a sensory overload! The reason the lights being dimmed set these memories flooding into my mind was because when Dex was a newborn we tried to get him to sleep in the pack-n-play next to the bed, but he did not like it so he slept with us. I would dim the lights down just enough where I could see him. I would sleep with him on his back and me on my back with him beside me sort of with my arm around the top of his head so I could feel him if he woke up and moved. I remember every move he made it would wake me up. Every little sound he made I could hear because my senses were in high gear. I remember sleeping with the cover at my waist so that he wouldn't be covered up in any way so to not get the cover on his face. Getting up for the feedings was not bad except for me being in a lot of pain. It was just something I did. Those memories are so overwhelming to me in a good way when I think about them. It seems like forever ago.
What I find so strange is the fact that I didn't have these types of feelings when carter was brought home. I don't know if it was because I was already completely exhausted from him being in the nicu and me not getting any sleep with going back and forth or if it was because I had already experienced these feelings once so I kind of knew what to expect. Don't get me wrong, I was still very excited when we got him home. Either way with Carter the feelings and memories are different. My memories from him come in the form of a piece of paper with his id stickers on it for the bottles of milk that I was having to pump in the middle of the night to take to feed him the next morning. I finally convinced myself a few months ago that it was okay to throw those stickers away! I didn't need them anymore, but it was a struggle to let go of them. Maybe people remember the first days home the most. Maybe the reason why I remember the lights dimming with Dex the most is because those are the first precious memories of him home with us at night that I remember. Maybe Carter's are of the NICU ID stickers because I didn't have him home with me. All I had were those stickers and my pump doing the only thing I could.
All of that to say that I find it amazing how the human brain can pick up signals from certain things in your life and all of a sudden smells, noises, and memories can just come flooding back into your brain. I will always cherish those moments at night in the beginning of their lives. Even if the memories I have of Carter in the beginning are stickers and low light nightly pumpings and alarm clocks!
Do you have anything that sets those memories in action for you?
~Enjoy~
What I find so strange is the fact that I didn't have these types of feelings when carter was brought home. I don't know if it was because I was already completely exhausted from him being in the nicu and me not getting any sleep with going back and forth or if it was because I had already experienced these feelings once so I kind of knew what to expect. Don't get me wrong, I was still very excited when we got him home. Either way with Carter the feelings and memories are different. My memories from him come in the form of a piece of paper with his id stickers on it for the bottles of milk that I was having to pump in the middle of the night to take to feed him the next morning. I finally convinced myself a few months ago that it was okay to throw those stickers away! I didn't need them anymore, but it was a struggle to let go of them. Maybe people remember the first days home the most. Maybe the reason why I remember the lights dimming with Dex the most is because those are the first precious memories of him home with us at night that I remember. Maybe Carter's are of the NICU ID stickers because I didn't have him home with me. All I had were those stickers and my pump doing the only thing I could.
All of that to say that I find it amazing how the human brain can pick up signals from certain things in your life and all of a sudden smells, noises, and memories can just come flooding back into your brain. I will always cherish those moments at night in the beginning of their lives. Even if the memories I have of Carter in the beginning are stickers and low light nightly pumpings and alarm clocks!
Do you have anything that sets those memories in action for you?
~Enjoy~
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