Memories

There is something about becoming a first time parent that is just magical in every way.  It has been 3 1/2 years or so since Dexter was born, but there are things that bring back memories of how I felt when he was a newborn.  We have a dimmer light in our bedroom and last night I lowered the lights so that maybe it wouldn't shine into dexter's room and he wouldn't know I was awake.  When I did this though it brought back a flood of feelings and memories to when he was a baby.  I remembered all of the midnight feedings and late diaper changes.  I remember feeling like I knew exactly what I was doing, but I was also scared and happy.  Everything was new.  Talking about a sensory overload!  The reason the lights being dimmed set these memories flooding into my mind was because when Dex was a newborn we tried to get him to sleep in the pack-n-play next to the bed, but he did not like it so he slept with us.  I would dim the lights down just enough where I could see him.  I would sleep with him on his back and me on my back with him beside me sort of with my arm around the top of his head so I could feel him if he woke up and moved.  I remember every move he made it would wake me up. Every little sound he made I could hear because my senses were in high gear.  I remember sleeping with the cover at my waist so that he wouldn't be covered up in any way so to not get the cover on his face.  Getting up for the feedings was not bad except for me being in a lot of pain.  It was just something I did.  Those memories are so overwhelming to me  in a good way when I think about them.  It seems like forever ago.

What I find so strange is the fact that I didn't have these types of feelings when carter was brought home.  I don't know if it was because I was already completely exhausted from him being in the nicu and me not getting any sleep with going back and forth or if it was because I had already experienced these feelings once so I kind of knew what to expect. Don't get me wrong, I was still very excited when we got him home. Either way with Carter the feelings and memories are different.  My memories from him come in the form of a piece of paper with his id stickers on it for the bottles of milk that I was having to pump in the middle of the night to take to feed him the next morning.  I finally convinced myself a few months ago that it was okay to throw those stickers away!  I didn't need them anymore, but it was a struggle to let go of them.  Maybe people remember the first days home the most.  Maybe the reason why I remember the lights dimming with Dex the most is because those are the first precious memories of him home with us at night that I remember.  Maybe Carter's are of the NICU ID stickers because I didn't have him home with me.  All I had were those stickers and my pump doing the only thing I could.

All of that to say that I find it amazing how the human brain can pick up signals from certain things in your life and all of a sudden smells, noises, and memories can just come flooding back into your brain.  I will always cherish those moments at night in the beginning of their lives.  Even if the memories I have of Carter in the beginning are stickers and low light nightly pumpings and alarm clocks!

Do you have anything that sets those memories in action for you?

~Enjoy~