Surrender

Are y'all ready... this is going to be long long long!  :)

Dustin and I had the pleasure of going to a Mercy Me concert downtown at the Vaun Braun Center.  It was my first official concert that I had ever been to so I was pretty excited.  It was definitely worth the wait!  I love Mercy Me!  I love just about every one of their songs and I can see myself relating to a lot of them.  I wanted to share some thoughts with you that came to me while we were at the concert and it was sort of laid on my heart to share with others as well.

The show opened up with Tim Timmons and he was great as well.  During his performance he shared with us a story from back when he was seeing his doctor.  From what I could tell this was a cancer doctor? (if I'm wrong in this please correct me)(I'm assuming he was diagnosed with some sort of cancer) anyways, the first thing that was so touching is that he said he shouldn't be on this stage today it is only by God that he was on that stage!  What a testimony in itself!!  To see him standing up there after hearing about how he should be dead, but he lives everyday because God allows him to!  So amazing!!  So, back to my point...  He was talking with his doctor and he was I guess asking her how she goes about telling people they are going to die and how they handle it.  (I should have recorded this so I would have all the right words he actually said, because for some reason that sounds a little strange)  So, during this conversation the doctor says that she sees a lot of people praying and praying and praying, but she doesn't see a lot of people surrendering!  BOOM!  She said it right there!  Something that I myself have had a struggle with even on the little things!  I see a lot of people praying and praying(I myself too sometimes) for God to do this or God please do that, but have you ever stopped to say let your will be done?  Have you ever surrendered yourself to him even though you "think" that isn't what is supposed to happen?  This personally hit home for me because here recently it was made clear to me what I am supposed to do with my professional life.  I went back to school and I searched and searched and searched for something that I could do.  I even spent many many nights and days praying that God would show me what I was supposed to do in my work career.  I knew that I had a drive in me, but I couldn't pin point what it was for.  so I just prayed. I picked a career goal, but deep down felt that it wasn't right.  I just kept praying and sort of being impatient.  Then, when the days kept going by, I finally just surrendered.  I said, God, I know you have a plan for me and I know that you placed this drive in me for a reason so I am going to wait.  You will show me when it is time.  Then, boom, I had carter had some post partum stuff to work through and started seeing a counselor and all of a sudden it was clear.  That is what I have been wanting to do for all my life.  I want to help people!  I want to hear their struggles and be a lending ear for them to talk to and get all of those anxieties and worries or fear or whatever it might be out.  I have been good at that my whole life!!  This is what I am called to do! This is why God has made me how I am today.  This is why I am already good at these things and it is because this is my path.   I know that we are all called to help those in need, but it was finally revealed to me that this is what I am supposed to do and I have been blown away by the clearness of it all after I finally surrendered to him and stopped trying to do it on my own, on my terms, and time.  I am not saying that if you just surrender to him that everything is going to work out just fine and dandy for you, because we all know that sometimes the story doesn't end how we thought it would, but we have to remember that even when we go through our toughest trials and tribulations that it is not for us.  It is for his glory and his will not ours.  Who knows, I may get into this career path and my world may turn completely around.  I don't know, but I do know that I hope that I can always know that whatever I am going through or whatever is happening that sometimes I need to stop praying, please god do this for me, but rather pray please god let your will be done!

Ok, now to the main show... MERCY ME!!!!  They were so so so so good!  I want to see them again!  Like right now!  You hear that, Mercy Me?  You need to come back to Huntsville, AL  right now and do another show just for me.  :)  Psh, who am I kidding, they don't read my little bitty blog!  And, if you are, thank you for sharing your testimony about your childhood with your father!  I am so glad that he turned his life around, but boy, you really made this woman cry and hurt for you even when I do not know you.  I feel like we are forever connected with that testimony.  I know I'll never forget it!  Ok, enough of the sappy sappy! Let us get real again.  Have you ever heard the song by them The Hurt and the Healer?  IT's amazing!  Go listen to it right now!  Better yet, see it sung in concert.  Anyways, this song has always been a favorite of mine even played on the radio for many reasons.  However, when I heard it in person I was flooded with so much emotion.  Have you ever hurt so much that you felt like a part of you has died.  Everyday for a long time I felt like that after Marie died(some people just don't understand and that's okay because you won't unless it has happened to you and I am so glad that you haven't had to endure something like that!  Be so very thankful.  OR, be thankful that you have handled it better if you have).  It has taken a long time for me to share my feelings on the subject because it just hurt to much to even think about.  Have you ever hurt so bad that the thought of it just made your body hurt and cry out in a way that you can't describe?  Yea, that has been what it has been like for a while and no one knew.  So, when they would ask why I was so uptight or why I was having a bad day even when the things going bad weren't that bad.  It was because underneath was a hurt that no human could fix.  BUT, I've been praying and asking for healing in his terms and slowly but surely I feel it easing up.  I've already shared with you that I can think about her now without crying like a big baby or even talk about her.  She will forever be gone and a part of me will forever be gone too with her, but I am ALIVE, even though a part of me has died.  I'm not sure if these words are even supposed to be meant like this, but for me that is what I take from them.  IT's the point where the hurt and the Healer collide!  I love this song and I can sing it today with such thankfulness that I do have a healer that I can run into and he can heal my heart from this and bring joy to a place that I have kept hidden for so long.  I want you to be able to see the words and listen to it as well so I'll post both.  I hope this song brings a bit of happiness to your life like it has mine.  I smile from within every time I hear it because I am ALIVE!  =D  (not every word of this is wrapped in a bubble painted in felicia, but I do relate to a lot of it)

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from being explained
Jesus please don't let this go in vain
You're all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What's left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes it's rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take this heart and breathe it back to life
I fall into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

[x2:]
Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Wake my heart and take my tears
And find Your glory even here

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqBMNSuDf7g


Ok, enough of this sappyness!  Is that even a word?  Dustin, the boys, and I had a great Thanksgiving with all of our families!  I am so glad that we got to see everyone!  We and our friends had a Friendsgiving this year(they have done it before, but this was the first year that we were able to attend) and I cooked my first Thanksgiving turkey!  It was delicious or at least I thought it was.  I still have left over Turkey!!  We went home the day before Thanksgiving and was able to relax a bit.  Thanksgiving day we went up to Dustin's moms side of the family for a get together at a local church.  I got to meet a lot of people I had not ever met before so that was really nice and the food was delicious as always!  We left there and went over Aunt Charlotte's house and got to see everyone!  I always love going to Aunt Charlotte's for get togethers.  Then, we went to Aunt Cheryl's house to hang out with them and to visit with Scottie, Taqwa, and her brother(I can never remember his name!  I feel so bad for this too because I should know it by now.  I talk to him and enjoy our conversations, but I can't ever remember his name and feel bad for asking for it again.  Does anyone else do this?)before they left back to Dallas(we all know how much I love these people!!!). And the soup was amazing!  Then on Friday, mom watched the boys while Dustin and I got some Christmas shopping done and afterwards we ate Thanksgiving dinner at her house.  So, it was a fun filled weekend.  I am really looking forward to Christmas!  Dexter is really getting into it. Anyways, what are your holiday plans?  Anything good?

~Enjoy!

Sweet memories

Tonight I am taking a trip down memory lane.  It started out with me looking for a photo that my aunt, Diana, had posted of her husband trimming some hedges country style.  Then, I started looking through some of my own old photos so I thought I would share some photos and the meaning or stories behind some of them.  This might become a regular post whenever I get time. 

I love looking back on our lives and seeing where we come from.  It has taken me a long time to remember to smile back to the past because my younger past was full of heartache.  When you loose 2 members of your family within 4 years of each other it can make looking back pretty sad sometimes.  At one time some of these photos just made me sad, but now I can look at them and remember their story!  These memories are so precious and I hope that we can all remember to look back at our past and find the happy moments and laugh instead of look at them with sadness.  So lets begin. 

This first photo is of my sister, Marie.  She did a huge part in raising me and meant more to me than most anything in this world.  I never really knew just how much she was a part of me until she passed away suddenly.  I miss her everyday and it is taking a lot of work through to remember the good things and all the great memories we had.  And, most of all to look back at pictures like this and giggle just a little.  This was her Felicia if you don't leave me alone look I am going to smack you....  Oh, how I miss her giving me this look.  I can't tell you how many times she must have given me this look.  

This is a better picture of her. This is my family minus my dad.  He passed away a little over 2 years before this picture was taken.  It is one of the last pictures I have of all my family.  This was my high school graduation.  I laugh when I see these pictures, because I don't think I got a one where we were all just smiling.  Someone was always making a funny face or laughing.  

And, then you have just the sisters.  I love them more than anything.  Since Marie passed away I feel like I became much more close with my little sister, Denise.  She is such a strong person. Have you ever seen this woman dig up a water pipe in the front yard and replace it by herself?  I have.  In fact, I'm trying to talk her into coming up and "helping" me fix our broken water pipe.  I love her more than life and no one could ever replace her.  Just in the last few months I have been noticing more and more that Denise is a lot like Marie in regards to the way that she does things.  She is so patient with the kids, understanding, and most of all has such a strong soul.  

Lets not forget I have a brother.  His name is Wayne,  He may not be around a lot because of his job, but I know that if either of us were hurt or really needed him to come he would.  He is so TALL!! When I am looking at these pictures I just can't help but think.. is Dexter going to be this tall. I secretly hope that he is!  

This picture was taken at Gadsden Regional.  Mother was in the ICU there and had to have a triple bypass done.  Denise had graduated while she was in the hospital so she came up there with her cap and gown to show momma.   

I stumbled upon this gem while going through some old photos.  This was the day that Mary Jack, Lynn, me, denise and (I think)john matt were leaving to go to Arizona!  As you can see I was still not a morning person back then.  Jonathan stayed behind to tend to the house(I think).  Honestly, I don't really remember why Jonathan wasn't going(maybe work?) I love that I was able to experience this trip as a kid.  What wonderful memories I have traveling with MJ & Lynn.  I am sure that back then I didn't appreciate it as much as I REALLY DO today.  I look back at these memories and pictures like this and I am so thankful.  Thankful to God that these people were placed in my life.  That I have such wonderful family all around.  

Let us talk about this picture.  Imagine it... Momma or someone went fishing.  They bring the fish home and take them on the back porch to clean them.  Out walks Felicia to see momma STABBING her fish to death!!!  It was one of the funniest ways I have ever seen anyone try to kill a fish!  I am sure it was already dead by that point, but I asked her why she was stabbing it and she said because her knife wasn't big enough to chop the head off!  WHAT!  Anyways, here is a picture from that day of momma and denise with their fish.  you can even see the small little knife on the porch that momma was using to "clean" her fish.  Is she trying to get that fish to talk to me?  After she stabbed it? 

AND best of all....  you guys see this look?  do you see it in his eyes?  This is why I married this man! (ok, ok, there were plenty other reasons)  Even to this day when I see this look of such happiness it makes me weak at my knees!  This is by far one of my favorite pictures of Dustin.  What a wonderful man I have and I hope and pray that for many many many infinity years that I can still get this look out of him.  If this face can't make you smile I don't know what will.  

~I have found the one my soul loves~

What are some memories that you have? 

Enjoy!  

It's real, y'all

UPDATE:  I am back to my normal self and I no longer have these fears to such an extreme.  I have learned how to deal with the things that I can't control.  In my times of weakness I just have to lean upon God to help me through it.  I wrote this not too long after Carter's birth and never published it because I felt ashamed of my feelings, but I am going to publish it now in hopes that one can read this and know that they are not alone if they are going through anything like it.  Im sorry that my blog has become more of an out pour of feelings and really deep content, but everything that is laid on my heart to write about is just that deep and real.  I really hope that I can help people to know that they are not alone!  And, if you do have sad feelings don't be afraid to get help.  You don't have to take a pill to feel better(I know because not once was I on any kind of medication for my sadness.  Not putting down those that need to be on it though.  Every situation is different). I guess what I am saying is don't stop yourself from getting help because you think all they will do it put you on medication  Sometimes it just takes someone listening and helping you through it.  Just take your life back.  :)   

Post-partum depression/anxiety is a real thing.   I have been feeling ashamed of myself for quite some time now.  I have felt embarrassed to even share my deepest most inner thoughts with my husband.  To let him know that I thought I was having some depression symptoms was something that was unbearable to me and it took great strength for me to even bring it up.  I have been struggling with post-partum anxiety since I gave birth to my son, Carter.  At first I thought it was just the hormones, but then after 10-12 weeks of anxiety that caused me to lose sleep at night I decided to go see my doctor.  My anxiety and depression doesn’t come in the form of harming myself or others.  My anxiety comes from the unknown and uncontrollable happening (mostly just fearful of my kids or husband getting sick and something bad happening to them). 

When Carter was born he would have these little spells where he would stop breathing for a few seconds and the doctors or nurses would have to stem him(basically tickle his feet or pat him on the back, etc.) to get him to start breathing again.  I actually witnessed one of these breathing episodes while he was lying in his little bed in my hospital room the night I had him.  His little lips turned blue looking.  When they took him to the nursery that night they woke me up for a feeding, but told me I had to come to the nursery to feed him because he had to be monitored at all times.  So basically I had to nurse him behind a curtain while he was hooked up to a monitor and when I was done I had to go back to my room. The next morning the doctor sent him to the NICU.  I knew why he was going and I knew that was the best thing for him, but it still broke my heart anyways.  I was scared and I had no clue what was going on.  I wasn’t allowed to go see him or nurse him until that afternoon.  My first time seeing Carter he was laying in his little bed under the heat and he had an IV in his forehead and monitors all over his little body and one on his foot.  It’s a sight that I will never get out of my head, one that haunts me to this day.  I know in my head why the monitors were there and I know why they put the IV in his head, but my heart aches because of it.  I believe it was the next day the IV in his forehead came out and they were able to put it in his hand.  Thankfully, he only had one more breathing episode the first night he was in there.  If they have an episode like that it is an automatic 5 days before you can be discharged from there.  They do tell you that there is the 5 days, but the whole time I was there all I kept hearing from the nurses was "if he continues to do good he can come home."  Those were the worst words I have ever heard.  EVERY SINGLE DAY, I worried and had bad anxiety constantly about him having another episode, because I knew he would have to be in there longer. Every time his monitor would start beeping that loud fast beeping sound my heart would stop.  I didn’t know what all the numbers meant so it scared me so bad each time. If I was in there I would even start rubbing on him to make him wake up a little so the monitor would stop beeping like that (ssshhh… don’t tell anyone).  I was so scared the entire time he was in there.  A scared that I can’t explain in words.  A scared that makes you sick to your stomach, but you can’t throw up.  While in there I felt like I couldn’t hold or take care or my child.  There was always a nurse standing over them telling you what you can and cannot do with your own baby.  I will never forget that feeling, but I hope that it becomes less painful.  One thing I will always remember is my nursing sessions with him once I was allowed to take him in the little side room to nurse him.  I felt at peace in there.  I felt like everything was alright in the world.  My anxiety levels dropped and I was able to hold and care for my child the way I had wanted to from the beginning.  It was the best feeling.  The one and only thing I looked forward to up there besides seeing him of course.  I would count down the hours until it was his next feeding.  When the time came for me to be discharged it was the hardest thing.  When I left the hospital I felt so blank.  I was so hurt that I couldn’t take him with me.  In my head I kept telling myself this is better for him, but in my heart all I could feel was that it was not right that I couldn’t take my now well baby home with me.  Thankfully, Carter continued to do well and we were discharged 5 days exactly after his last spell. Now, don’t get me wrong, people, I know that Carter was technically considered a well-baby in the NICU and there were and are babies in there that are fighting with everything that they have every single day to live.  I saw them and their tiny bodies the 6 days we were in there. I also know that not every baby that is in there makes it out to come home with their mother and father.  I pray for them and pray for their parents and families to this day.  I am in no way trying to be unsensesitive to those that have lost babies whether it be in the hospital or anywhere else.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I do not know that kind of loss and I pray with everything in me that I never have to experience anything like it.  When we finally left the hospital I had expected to feel some sort of miracle wave washing over me letting me know that everything was okay.  I expected the anxiety to be over and a lot of it was, but not all of it.  I still kept telling myself in the back of my head if he gets sick we’ll have to go right back to the NICU. This was October and I knew we were heading into cold/flu season.  I also knew that his bilirubin count was high so there was a chance that he would have to be put under the lights if it didn’t come down. I had anxiety about that.  I was a nervous wreck to put it lightly.  I was constantly and I still am on edge. 

A few weeks after being discharged from the hospital my other son, Dexter, came down with what seemed to be just a virus.  He kept talking about his stomach hurting in his right lower belly, but I didn’t think anything of it until that night when he woke up crying out in pain saying his belly hurt in the same area he was complaining about that day.  I called the doctor and she sent us to the ER just to make sure it wasn’t appendicitis.  We were there all night and had to have several tests done, but thankfully everything turned out fine.  We were to follow up with his pediatrician the next day.  We get to the doctor’s office and she ran a few blood tests and his red blood cell count was way off.  So, she said that she was going to rush his blood work to Huntsville hospital to have the hematologist and the pathologist look at it.  I don’t know if it was the look on my face or if it could have actually been something bad, but all she kept saying over and over again was she would rush it to HH and that it didn’t have to be anything bad.  Of course, with what I just went through with Carter all I could think about was all the bad things it could be.  So, I was a nervous wreck until she called me to tell me that his cells looked normal under the microscope and that she, the hematologist, and the pathologist all was in favor of if being related to this virus that he had, but she wanted to check his blood a few more times to make sure that his red blood cell count was coming back up.  Each time we had to have blood work done I was a nervous wreck and praying that they would come back up because if they didn’t we would need more testing.  THEY DID.  Whoop whoop.  So, all of that for a virus!!!!! 

Then, shortly after all this, Carter had a well visit at the doctor’s office and we were scheduled an upper GI study to make sure he didn’t have any blockages because he would projectile spit up after every feeding.  Even though the doc just thought it was reflux she still wanted to make sure there wasn’t anything else going on.  It was just acid reflux.  We were able to see him reflux during the procedure.  Now we are on the right medication for it and it has really helped.. 

I am explaining all of this so maybe you can get a little bit of a background study on why I am so anxious and nervous for the most part of the week.  That wasn’t everything we had to have done.  I have had to go back to that hospital for 2 more separate occasions with Carter.  Nothing serious, but each time I am there it’s like I can’t think straight and I am “holding my breath” until we are out of the building.  This might sound a little extreme considering my children are perfectly healthy, but this is how I feel and this is why I knew I had a problem.  I am in a constant battle with my mind with me telling myself that everything is ok and that they are healthy and Dustin is healthy and I am healthy, but in the back of my mind I feel uneasy thinking something is wrong.  Something is off.  When I hear one of them cough in the middle of the night I freeze and pray that they aren’t coming down with something.  I lie awake at night and pray and thank god for my healthy kids & husband, because I am so fearful of anything ever happening to them.  I am ashamed because I know I need to be thanking him in a happy kind of a way, but I am so thankful because I am in such fear for their lives.  I know that he who gives can also take away.  I will never be ungrateful for the life I have been given or for my 2 very beautiful and healthy children.  When I look at them I see how lucky I am to even be able to call them my own when so many women out there are unable to have that.  I will never take them for granted. 

I know that this is not normal and it is driving me a little crazy.  I don’t know how to stop it, but I am a work in progress.  I have realized that I couldn’t do it all on my own and I finally broke down and told Dustin how I really felt.  How when he would sleep at night I would lie there awake in fear.  I was afraid of the things that I could not control like sickness.  Like I said though, I am a work in progress and I have started taking steps to get that sickness out of my head and out of my life.  I am trying to get out more and enjoy this beautiful life.  I am chasing my bad thoughts away at night with good thoughts and trying to not let it overwhelm me.  I started back at the gym and it really helped to get all that anxiety off of me, but my milk supply decreased drastically so I had to stop(I am pretty sure it was because I wasn’t taking in enough water and food to account for the calorie loss). I am taking my life and I want to experience it to the fullest with the ones that I love and love me in return.  And, a shout out to my friend, Chrissy, who has had to endure hours of me rambling on about all of this and everything else that has happening to me in the last few months. It hasn’t been easy, but with the help of the ones I am closest to and those who lift me up in goodness it is better!  Love y’all.  

Memories

There is something about becoming a first time parent that is just magical in every way.  It has been 3 1/2 years or so since Dexter was born, but there are things that bring back memories of how I felt when he was a newborn.  We have a dimmer light in our bedroom and last night I lowered the lights so that maybe it wouldn't shine into dexter's room and he wouldn't know I was awake.  When I did this though it brought back a flood of feelings and memories to when he was a baby.  I remembered all of the midnight feedings and late diaper changes.  I remember feeling like I knew exactly what I was doing, but I was also scared and happy.  Everything was new.  Talking about a sensory overload!  The reason the lights being dimmed set these memories flooding into my mind was because when Dex was a newborn we tried to get him to sleep in the pack-n-play next to the bed, but he did not like it so he slept with us.  I would dim the lights down just enough where I could see him.  I would sleep with him on his back and me on my back with him beside me sort of with my arm around the top of his head so I could feel him if he woke up and moved.  I remember every move he made it would wake me up. Every little sound he made I could hear because my senses were in high gear.  I remember sleeping with the cover at my waist so that he wouldn't be covered up in any way so to not get the cover on his face.  Getting up for the feedings was not bad except for me being in a lot of pain.  It was just something I did.  Those memories are so overwhelming to me  in a good way when I think about them.  It seems like forever ago.

What I find so strange is the fact that I didn't have these types of feelings when carter was brought home.  I don't know if it was because I was already completely exhausted from him being in the nicu and me not getting any sleep with going back and forth or if it was because I had already experienced these feelings once so I kind of knew what to expect. Don't get me wrong, I was still very excited when we got him home. Either way with Carter the feelings and memories are different.  My memories from him come in the form of a piece of paper with his id stickers on it for the bottles of milk that I was having to pump in the middle of the night to take to feed him the next morning.  I finally convinced myself a few months ago that it was okay to throw those stickers away!  I didn't need them anymore, but it was a struggle to let go of them.  Maybe people remember the first days home the most.  Maybe the reason why I remember the lights dimming with Dex the most is because those are the first precious memories of him home with us at night that I remember.  Maybe Carter's are of the NICU ID stickers because I didn't have him home with me.  All I had were those stickers and my pump doing the only thing I could.

All of that to say that I find it amazing how the human brain can pick up signals from certain things in your life and all of a sudden smells, noises, and memories can just come flooding back into your brain.  I will always cherish those moments at night in the beginning of their lives.  Even if the memories I have of Carter in the beginning are stickers and low light nightly pumpings and alarm clocks!

Do you have anything that sets those memories in action for you?

~Enjoy~

A weekend of fun

I am going to be truthful and tell you that since Carter was born it has not been easy!  I know everyone said that having more than one child was tough, but dang, I did not believe just how tough it was going to be!  Even though it has been a rough 9 months we are starting to see the light.  Let me give you a little background.  Ever since Carter graced us with his presence I have had little to no sleep!  The child just did not like to sleep through the night or during the day.  After about 7-8 months of him waking 4 - 5 times in the middle of the night and sometimes more I stopped telling myself that this would pass soon and he is only little once and all of that good stuff that you try to tell yourself to make it a little better!  Well, a little after 9 months I decided to wean him off the breasts and started giving him formula during the day.  The little stinker started sleeping through the night!!!  It wasn't instant and it took a few weeks to really get the routine going, but I found that if Dustin got up with him in the middle of the night he would go back to sleep almost instantly and he would sleep the rest of the night.  After probably a week of that he hasn't been waking much during the night.  Occasionally he will still wake up, but I am starting to see a real routine developing in our lives!  I FUNCTION MUCH BETTER WITH ROUTINE!!  I am the type of woman who really works well with a routine and when things aren't in routine for me I feel like my life is in complete chaos.  SO, for the last 9 months I have felt like my life has been in chaos.  Ok, it's not that bad, but still.  You get what I'm saying, right?  I am sure that we will still have many sleepless nights because lets face it we have children.  At the moment though I have finally found sort of a routine and life is slowing down just a little bit for us to enjoy it!  For example, I can now travel somewhere even if it is just to the store without Carter crying the whole way(he HATED his carseat and screamed the whole time he was in it).  I can now put him down anywhere from 8-8:30 and know that he will more than likely sleep all night!  I know that I can nurse him in the mornings when he gets up anywhere from 6- 7 and I can get another hour of sleep maybe.  I know that he will more than likely take 2 naps depending on when he got up.  That's another thing he didn't like to do before.  My newborn would not sleep during the day for naps.  at 3 months of age he would only sometimes take one nap a day.  Although most days it was 2.  He only took 3 naps when he was still in the newborn stage and that was only if I put him in the swing.  I know the he will be hungry every 3 hours still and that now I can give him solids with his food.  Anyways, all of this to say that life is getting much easier and better for us.  It has been a rough 9 months, but I think(fingers crossed) that I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel as far as rough baby stage.

This weekend has been one of the best weekends we have had as far as smoothness goes with my little family!  It truly has been a great weekend and I hope we can have many more like it with our TWO boys!  On Friday, I started the weekend out by taking the boys over my friend Megan's house to let them play!  We always love going over there.  Not only does mommy get to talk with an actual adult, but Dex gets to play with her two boys!  I know that he has a great time and so do I.  Even Carter seemed to have a great time.  Saturday evening Dustin and I decided to go up to Monte Sano state park with the boys and do some hiking.  Camping is coming up here in about a month so it was a good chance to test out hiking with both boys!  They both did really well for their 1st hiking trip.  Carter was strapped to me in the Ergo baby carrier and Dexter walked.  I will say though that if we are going to walk any kind of considerable length that we will have to get a carrier for Dex too.  On the way back he started not wanting to walk anymore.  After our hiking adventure we decided to stop at Chik-Fil-A on the way home and eat dinner.  It was great because they weren't crowded and Dustin and I got to eat peacefully while Dex played.  Carter sat happily in the highchair eating yogurt drops. Later that night Dex and I had a movie night and watched Penguins of Madagascar and ate popcorn. Sunday, we decided to go to our gym's pool.  It was a lot of fun and both boys had a great time.  Carter really enjoys the water, but it took a little bit for him to warm up to it.  Afterwards, we hit up our local frozen yogurt shop for a yummy post swim treat! Carter enjoyed Strawberries and Kiwi.  I have been really happy with how this weekend has turned out.  It really has been a smooth one for us considering the last 9 months have been kinda rough.

Not every moment of the 9 months has been rough and we definitely have had some great times with both boys!  I love my little family and all the stuff that we do with not only our small little family, but with the grandparents and extended family as well!  I know that it has been a little difficult at times, but spending time with family and growing together in closeness is the most important thing.  Even if it is difficult with 2.  One day I will look back on all of these memories and I won't care about the lost sleep or the stressful days in the car.  What I will care about is how close we are, and how we have these memories to share with each other! I will care about the moments in my kids lives where they look back and say mommy/daddy did this with me or mommy/daddy played and loved on me even when they were tired or worn down.  Just that in and of itself makes it so much better than it already is!  

Enjoy!

I never thought it would be this hard

Who ever thought that it would be so stinking hard to get out the door with a toddler and a 3 month old!!!!  Let me set the scene for you.

I had plans to go over my friend Megan's house to see her and to let Dexter play with Max her little boy. After I fed Carter this morning, I was hoping that he would go back down for a few more hours of sleep(he usually does after his morning feeding), and I would be able to take a shower real quick  while both boys were asleep.  No such luck.  While I was feeding Carter, I hear Dexter get out of bed.  That was okay because I could turn on the tv and he would be fine while I shower.  Well, I finish up feeding carter and guess what.  He decides that he has no interest in going back to sleep.  Off to the living room we go where Dex is saying I want an apple and Carter has no interest in playing by himself this morning (he was still sleepy).  I "fix" Dex an apple and put Carter in the swing.  YES!  he's going to stay in there with no trouble and I can take a quick shower.  After the shower I hurry and get dressed then quickly get Dex dressed while Carter is still napping in the swing.  Then, I hear Dex in the living room yelling so loudly.  I said, Dex what are you yelling at and he said, Carter so he wake up.  By that time Carter was already woke up by the screaming Dexter was doing.  I get Carter out of the swing and I take him in the bedroom to change his diaper and clothes so we can leave.  I get him changed and almost ready to go and he spits up all over himself.  Not just a little bit, but a lot.  So, I have to change him again.  Then, I take him and go to put him in his carseat and up comes some more spit up all over me and him.  I then have to change me and him.  Ok, I got Carter changed then I got changed and I put him in his carseat and buckle him up.  He starts screaming, because he HATES his carseat.  I knew it was getting feeding time, but I was hoping I could make it to Megan's before I fed him.  I needed to get out the door.  Ok, I grab all the 'stuff' and put Dexter in the car and crank the car.  Yes, I'm almost out the door!!!!  Go in to grab Carter and I look at him and he has spit up all over him and the carseat!  I clean that off and think to myself oh, I'll just change him at megan's.  I'm praying by that time that he stops screaming and maybe goes to sleep for the ride over.  THEN, I go to look for my phone and I can't find it anywhere!!  I look in all the places that I was in the house and in the car and it's nowhere to be found.  Finally, I just throw my hands in the air and said forget it I'm not leaving the house today!!!!  I turned the car off and got Dex out of the car and Carter out of the car seat (he was soaking wet with spit up - I had to change him again).  WHEW!

While typing this out I may be chuckling to myself just a bit because it seems so chaotic and like something out of a circus act.  In the moment I was overwhelmed and in the end I caved and just stayed home!  I have been trying so hard to get out more with the kiddos lately and it isn't fun.  I want to get out for the sake of our mental health and being cooped up in the house all day, but some days it just isn't worth the fight.  Carter does not like his car seat and Dexter is a very active little boy.  He just can't sit still for long.  Everytime I look back at how difficult it is sometimes when I am trying to get out of the house I laugh a little on the inside.  I guess if I didn't it would drive me mad!  :)

Enjoy!