These days happen

Over the years I have come to accept that my mother is an alcoholic, and she will will probably always be an alcoholic.  I have come to accept that she smokes cigarettes that will destroy her lungs and will probably always smoke.  I have come to accept that she has dementia which is a disease that affects your mind/memory all because of her drinking over the years.  However, that does not mean that it does not hurt so bad to see her taking a drink of alcohol. Or that is doesn't hurt and make me angry every time I call her and she is so drunk that I can't understand a word she is saying.  It hurts deep and I usually don't show that side because it is a part of my life that I try to keep hidden.  Not because I am ashamed of it which I used to be, but more because it is easier to only show the surface where you know the problem is there but you don't have those hurt feelings.  Not today.  Today I am coming to you all broken and sad.  Some may say, oh, lets not "air the dirty laundry".  Well, this is me, my life.  A very small portion of my life that I have dealt with my whole life.  Today I am sitting in a doctors office with my mother.  She is in need of her inhaler refilled again because she is having trouble breathing.  On most days I would brush it off and not think too much about it but not today.  Today I picked up my drunk mother (I say this literal because I could smell the alcohol all over her when she got in my car) to take her to get medication for a lung problem that is getting worse and worse over the years.  Just in this year she has had to use an inhaler more than I have ever seen her use one.  I know that through the years she is going to continue to go downhill.  I know what all of these things can do to your body, and I continue to see them be proven fact time and time again.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  Tomorrow I will get up and get myself together, but for today I am sad.  I am sad that she can't stop.  I am sad that her health is deteriorating over the years.  However with all of this heart wrenching tug at your heart stuff I am so thankful.  I am thankful that even though her health is deteriorating it is doing so slowly and that most days are still very good days.  Today, I find hope in God.  I find hope that my God is a God who performs miracles.  If those miracles never come to her I know that everything works out to glorify Him.  I have seen it time and time again.  That alone gives me hope and peace. If you are reading this just lift up a prayer for her addictions, prayer for her health, and most of all a prayer for conviction on her heart.  I lay all of this down at the feet of Jesus.  This song is perfect for today. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Btfz9qKXUIk   I hope it helps you too to find some confort.

I don't write this so that I can put my mother in a bad image and I hope that you don't view her in a bad image.  I really do. She is not always drinking to the point where she is slurring her words or can't understand a word you are saying.  Today was just a bad day and it got to me because she was also sick.  My mother is a wonderful person and you would be lucky to know her and have her in your life.  She has a sickness that she can't get away from, but it does not change who she is and always has been.  She is a person that would do anything for anyone.  She helps me in so many ways and I will forever be grateful.  She loves her grandchildren more than anything and would do anything for them.  I do mean anything.  lol.  She really is a wonderful person.

I do write this because just maybe there is someone out there feeling the same way I do.  I am a mixture of feeling when it comes to this topic.  I am sad some days, angry some days, and scared of the unknown future other days.  It is okay to let yourself feel these feelings.  To have those days where you just need to feel it.  It's part of healing.  However, you have to pick yourself up and look around.  This is just a part of your life and you have so many other things that you can be thankful for.  For me I have God in my life, I have my wonderful husband, kids and a huge family, and I still have my mother in my life.  A mother who loves me, but can't help her addiction.

~Enjoy~